do it for the peanut butter!

My names Rosy, I'm claiming back my life from a long battle of anorexia. I've spend 8 months in Rhodes Farm and was discharged on 2nd of October 2013. I've recently been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, I was inpatient because of this for 5 months in PICU.

I’m 16 years old,
Sitting at home, crying
Over food that scares me and
A self that I hate.
I am 16 and dying.

This is the reality of anorexia.

Whilst I dig my nails into
My despised, detested flesh
And cry my breaking heart to
Sleep, somewhere my friend is,
Kissing that boy underneath a thousand
Stars and a sky as clear
As her conscience.

And as I slowly fall
Into my slumber, my demons
Haunting me even in my
Dreams, somewhere another 16 year old
Girl is sleeping peacefully, holding onto
Love, happiness and
Life.

And when I cry at the crack of
Dawn, because I do not
Want to take another day,
Somewhere another 16 year old
Girl is walking peacefully
Breathing in life
And breathing out fresh,
Pure delight.
She is 16 and living,

I am not.

This is not fair.

The reality of anorexia
Is missing those special nights
Underneath the moonlight.
Feeling your heart beat
Strongly and thanking God
For your life,
Missing what it is, to be
Young, 16, free.

Do not let anorexia take that away from you.
You’re only your age once,
Make it count.

16 and Dying, 16 and Living. (via rediscoveryandrecovery)

(via finding-jodi)

We get so worried about being pretty. Let’s be pretty kind. Pretty funny. Pretty smart. Pretty strong.

—Britt Nicole (via ocean-chasing)

(via hope-and-wish)

Anonymous asked: where were you an inpatient at for your bpd?

In a picu in Wales xx

Anonymous asked: How're you and your girlfriend? if she is your girlfriend that is, i can't really remember the details, but i hope all is good anyway :)

We broke up a while ago, but it’s for the better :) xx

Update (TW)

I’m gonna be honest with you guys, I’ve pretty much relapsed in every way possible. I’m using really unhealthy coping mechanisms, but it’s the only thing that helps. I’ve given up on trying to get better, I’ve just accepted the fact that I’m going to be sick forever. It makes me sad to see my family upset over what I’m doing, but I feel like it’s my only choice. I haven’t seen anyone from my team since the 1st of August, even though I’m supposed to see them twice weekly. They’ve given up on me like I’ve given up on myself. Everything’s hard, there’s never any escape.

Anonymous asked: Hey Rosy, I've been following you since I got a tumblr to help with my recovery years ago. I read everything you post and feel like I know you. I wanted to know what exactly is going on with your recovery right now, from your words? Not the words of other anons. I really want to know what its like for you right now

I’ll do an update :) thank you love for following me from the beginning! Xxx

liltedlullaby:

undef-eat-able:

This comparison is important. The difference in these two birthdays is important. These photos are taken exactly a year apart: the left is my 18th birthday and the right is my 19th birthday. Here’s how these nights went:
18: I went out to a sushi restaurant with close friends and family. I refused to drink my first legal drink. I was wearing 2 pairs of pants and 3 sweaters. I had one bite of sashimi, ran to the bathroom, locked myself in the stall and purged. I refused to come out and my mom had to get the manager to unlock the door. I cried my eyes out and I had to convince the manager to let me sneak out the back because I was too embarrassed to go back to my own birthday party.
19: I met up with the same (with a few additions) group of friends at a pizza and wine bar. I had half a pizza, 3 glasses of wine and a slice of birthday cake. Scratch that, I had my face pushed into a piece of cake. In this picture I am over 30lbs heavier than one year ago today. I am wearing a thin tank top. I am warm, I am fulfilled and I love myself. (I am also pretty drunk).
I want you to know that recovery is 100% possible. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Some days, it took literally all my strength to push through meals. But I did it, and others can too. Eating disorders are not a “for life” sentence, although they feel like it. With hard work, adventure and patience, you can learn to love yourself again. You can learn to hold yourself together again.
Choosing to let Anorexia consume me would have been one of the last decisions I would have ever made. Choosing recovery was the single greatest decision I’ve ever made. 

WOW. JUST WOW.

liltedlullaby:

undef-eat-able:

This comparison is important. The difference in these two birthdays is important. These photos are taken exactly a year apart: the left is my 18th birthday and the right is my 19th birthday. Here’s how these nights went:

18: I went out to a sushi restaurant with close friends and family. I refused to drink my first legal drink. I was wearing 2 pairs of pants and 3 sweaters. I had one bite of sashimi, ran to the bathroom, locked myself in the stall and purged. I refused to come out and my mom had to get the manager to unlock the door. I cried my eyes out and I had to convince the manager to let me sneak out the back because I was too embarrassed to go back to my own birthday party.

19: I met up with the same (with a few additions) group of friends at a pizza and wine bar. I had half a pizza, 3 glasses of wine and a slice of birthday cake. Scratch that, I had my face pushed into a piece of cake. In this picture I am over 30lbs heavier than one year ago today. I am wearing a thin tank top. I am warm, I am fulfilled and I love myself. (I am also pretty drunk).

I want you to know that recovery is 100% possible. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Some days, it took literally all my strength to push through meals. But I did it, and others can too. Eating disorders are not a “for life” sentence, although they feel like it. With hard work, adventure and patience, you can learn to love yourself again. You can learn to hold yourself together again.

Choosing to let Anorexia consume me would have been one of the last decisions I would have ever made. Choosing recovery was the single greatest decision I’ve ever made. 

WOW. JUST WOW.

(via mentally-illectric)

Anonymous asked: You don't have access to personal phones in Rhodes farm.

It is literally such a waste of time sending these messages to me. I’m obviously not lying about going to Rhodes.

I’ve decided that I need to be more honest on this blog, so I’m going to start posting how I really am. This is a pre-trigger warning to anyone that could possibly be triggered. Feel free to unfollow me if you think that this could trigger you, everyone has to look after themselves first :)

versesofmind:

recovering from an eating disorder is extremely fucking challenging. you have to face your fears every day, multiple times a day. high five to all those fighting and keep trying for those stuck in lapse { ily all }

(via back-to-bex)

Anonymous asked: Hey Rosie. I think people are getting really frustrated cause many of us have made very serious attempts on our lives- there is a difference between being determined to DIE because you hate your life and every inch of your being, from taking an OD cause you are crying out for more help! You are going the wrong way about it sweetie... people WANT to help you, you just have to ask... from the Girl with a New Liver xoxo

I’m sorry, but I find this all a bit sick. It’s like you are trying to glorify liver damage by saying “the girl with the new liver”. I get that you did it “better” than me, but it’s like you are trying to prove how sick you are/were. Don’t get me wrong, I’m very sorry that you had to have a liver transplant, and I truly hope that you get better. I agree with you in someways, sometimes I think myself maybe it’s a cry for help, but then at the same time sometimes I really do want to die. I do have good days sometimes, and my antidepressant helps a lot, but it’s always in the back of my mind. I think it comes out in my behaviour how desperate I am to give up.

Anonymous asked: Oooh your hair looks so pretty! :-) Also, you got arrested last week??? x

Thank you! I actually blow dyed in for the first time in ages! Nothing major, just to keep me safe xx